The Happy Birthday Song

 

My heart was pounding as I took the final steps towards freedom. I pushed through the door and emerged into the bright sunlight, the summer breeze on my face, and I sighed as the sweet feeling of relief washed over me. It had been a close call. Too close this time, but I had made it! I had escaped the ordeal of having Happy Birthday sung to me in a crowded restaurant.

I’ve always found the Happy Birthday song problematic. As a child, I would get so upset whenever it was sung that I would cry. Even if it were being sung to somebody else, I would find it distressing. This became a source of great amusement to my family who, almost every year since, would joke about me crying as the cake came out to a chorus of celebratory voices. I have no ill will towards my family, who love and accept me for who I am, but I was a “strange child”. In the absence of any clinical explanation, they sometimes chose laughter as a response to some of my more neurodivergent behaviours, and I get it. I find humour in bizarre situations too. It’s a coping mechanism of sorts.

For many years I put up with the singing. The cake would emerge, candles ablaze, and I’d psych myself up for the onslaught. Then a couple of years ago when I turned 50, I decided I would no longer be OK with it. It was no coincidence that I had been officially diagnosed with ASD and was starting to feel more comfortable advocating for myself.  So, I requested “that song” not be sung at my birthday gathering. There would be cake of course, and even candles, but no singing. It was the best birthday ever.

There are many reasons for my aversion. Some of them are sensory, but most of them have to do with the baffling social interactions that surround the anniversary of one’s birth. On an intellectual level, I understand of course that the song is sung in celebration and is meant to honor the recipient and make them feel special and loved. I also realise that the singers get as much joy from the performance as the singee (I made up a new word). For me though, I just don’t know what to do. Where do I look? What do I say? What expression should be on my face? There are a bunch of people singing loudly at me and it’s confusing as hell!

But back to my narrow escape earlier today. I had decided to take myself out to lunch for my birthday. I enjoy doing things on my own which seems strange to some people who cannot fathom a dinner or even a movie alone, but I sometimes prefer my own company. I booked a table for one at my favourite restaurant using the online service and, without really thinking about it, wrote “birthday” in the special occasions box. I arrived for lunch and sure enough the waitress asked if it was my birthday. I replied that it was but any excuse for one of their delicious salads. After my meal (which was indeed delicious!), I got up to pay and leave. As I approached the counter, the waitress hurried over to me and said “You’re not leaving, are you? We’ve got a surprise!” I turned to the kitchen serving window and saw several staff members preparing a small cake and a candle. Oh, God! “Oh!” I said, “that’s so sweet of you, but I really have to go and the Happy Birthday song makes me uncomfortable”. She looked confused, but nicely offered me the cake in a take-away container and I got the hell out of there!

I didn’t have the inclination to explain to her that having a group of strangers sing Happy Birthday to me while I sat alone at a table in a crowded restaurant was just about the worst thing that could happen on my birthday, besides contemplating my own mortality of course. And how would they know I’d be so upset by it? Most people would love it! It’s a sign of great customer service and I’ve seen people react with surprise and delight as the cake comes out and the singing starts.

But not me. And I’m not alone in this. My sister (who is also Autistic) would rather wear a woollen jumper in a sauna than have to suffer through “that song”. There must be a percentage of the population that feels the same way, but nobody ever asks. My point is that we should be asking! What’s the harm in checking if somebody is OK with it before we start warming up our vocal cords?

In the meantime, Happy Birthday to me. I may not want the singing, but I’ll never say no to the cake!